Monday, January 20, 2014

just so you know / today's query

If you're seeing fewer comments on posts it's not because people are leaving this space in droves. The internet is just trying to ruin EVERYTHING AS USUAL by rendering comments technologically impossible. Nevermind the few comments that are getting through. There are fuckbillions of comments lost in the ether and/or stabbed out of existence with the legendary banfork.

And with that, I'm taking a short vacation from trolling the internet for links and posting them here with limited comment. So please enjoy today's query of the afternoon!

Today's Query* (suggested by Shakestownie Judith Shakestown, aka PSOFF, aka me): How many times have you been banned from TBTSNBN (The Blog That Shall Not Be Named)? Wear your number like a badge!

*Currently accepting submissions for future questions that I can claim as my own.

24 comments:

  1. Well, I banned myself after they were really mean to me, and then I did it again the second time it happened a year later, so, technically zero, but in practical terms: 2.

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    1. I HATE mean people (she says, without an ounce of irony). For real, you've come to the right place. Everyone here is meant to feel like they could or should be banned at any moment. Did I mention go fuck yourself?

      Thanks for reading!

      Delete
  2. 1ce for sarcastically pointing out that what they hate is what they are!

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  3. I only got banned once too. Guess I oughtta try harder! No, not really. The stress of dealing with pointless hostility just ain't worth it, life's too short.

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    Replies
    1. mayayuxwatl, I'm really disappointed to come here and see your unmiterated negativity clogging up my internetpores. Just for once, can I be fucking happy for one second before going back to say how everything is pointless again? MFC, P/R/O! (Mesus fucking christ, people/robots/otherkin)

      Delete
  4. twice - once for telling people not to watch porn with their kids, and once for telling people that the court system was racist against trayvon martin

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    1. WHOA. You got banned for telling people not to watch porn with their kids? That's....amazing. And deeply, seriously messed up.

      Delete
    2. That was super fucked, anon. It was after my time, but I definitely read about it on the HATE BLOGS.

      Who runs their blog in such a way? Speaking of which, in future posts, anon, please try to make sure to fail less miserably at everything.

      Thanks for reading!

      Delete
  5. [CN: Off Topic, nouns, some verbs]

    Oh Judith a million glubstacular hugs because your writing is the heaptasticisist writing of all time in all languages that use British slang!

    You are the banger to my mash, the Manchester to my United, the spice to my girls, the hooliganism to my sport fans! (I use British slang because I once changed planes in Heathrow - which is totally a GIANT HUGE BRAVE THING I DO because airplanes are just flying tubes of fat hatred and flying is way harder than having a "paid" job and STOP HATING ME PEOPLE WHO I HAVE NO INTERACTION WITH!!!!)

    In your honor I'm going to start a blog where I copy your background and style and write about all the horrible things that oppress the otherkins in "Curious George" and then write about how we share all the same mysterious ailments. You could be my blogmother figure because running a blog is exactly the same as raising kids (I know because I do neither). Plus with two monitors you can watch porn with your blog which is awesome parenting!

    Glubs!

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    1. [CN: Nonexistencing of people without hearts.]

      HEARTS, Anonymous. HEARTS.

      Glubbity glub the glubby mouths. (I really have no fucking idea what glub means, but if you tell me I will punch you in the face for douchesplaining.)

      Delete
    2. "Glub" was my attempt (see earlier comments from Anonymous, which are nearly always me, your emailer from Yahoo) to mimic the Judith Shakestown way of speaking. It was my version of "blub." xo

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    3. P.S. Looking forward to my punch in the face.

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    4. Double p.s., the first comment above, the one you responded to, wasn't me. I'm going to start signing my anonymous posts, as soon as I can think of a name. Maybe I should go with yahoo_yak, the name I made up for your nonexistent co-moderator?

      Delete
    5. Anon, I feel like I shouldn't have to say this, but I'm fully aware that multiple people could be posting under the moniker anonymous. I also know what the fuck glub means given that I've been using it since before it even existed. Quit it out.

      And while I've got your attention, I do not give face punches on demand.

      And finally, I hereby christen you yahoo_yak although it's really not my job to tell you what to name yourself.

      Delete
    6. [CN: Made up ailments, adoration of Judith, reading]

      Oh dear PSOFF Judithstress,

      I confess it was me who wrote the post about copying your blog and I apologize ninehudredygillion times for all the extra effort you spent reading it an how tired your arm must feel from thinking about punching me in the face. I must have written unclearly. I was writing in a blind rage of 36 espresso shots I drank so I could read through your commenting policy in one session. Those were the four most glorious days of my life as your heapfartextrasuperkyrgitypical wisdom filled the empty cup of my soul. You are so much a better writerer person than any of those overrated cis-typical-not-fake-British writers that get all the attention. It's all fat hatred!!!

      For future clarity and so you don't have to type any more extra words for the little woodland creatures of Fuck Forest I will sign my posts as ANA. It's an acronym for Aptow, Nefariousultrafuckityfuckheapshit Aptow.

      I know it's superextraglubsteactularly impossible for you to be anything but 116% right and insightful and the shining beacon of all that is beautiful in this tiny corner of safespace but if I can almost come close to the edge of maybe offering 0.00001% criticism I'll offer this:
      I have a faceless disorder that left me without a face and if anyone besides you had offered to "punch me in the face" I'd feel dissapeared or possibly spot removed. I cry out my lack of eyes out every time I hear the phrase "saving face." I haven't watched a hockey game in decades.

      Now I have to go back to reading "Go Dog Go" to discover the hidden message of the otherkin. Right after that I will transfer my last disability check to you. I suffer from a strange insensitivity to gravity. I only hope I have the cocktail forks to figure out why my houseplants hate me so much for being fat.

      Glubs

      ANA

      Delete
    7. Dearest ANA,

      LOLSHART. I laughed so hard I CRIED. I blubcriedsharted, and a sobbing unicorn came out blubcrysharting a baby polar bear inhabitant of the snow-free rock only region of antfartica.

      And then I REALLY blubshartedcried like a fucktrillion feet into the sorry ground through to China because my dishes hate me for being fat too. Fuck you, plants and dishes, eat my beautiful, glorious fucking fat rolls and DIE.

      Delete
    8. CN[bestest writer ever including all universes known and unknown, thin privilege, loss of agency]

      This, a million petphotoCateBlanchett-but-way-fatter-times yes! The tiniest note of approval from you validates everything I've ever done and will do in the future (speaking of which your daily cute pictures of Schrodinger's cat make this totally an advanced cult space)

      Now I feel I can finally wear that Judith "suit" I made out un-confronted privilege.

      I don't know about fat hating dishes. I had to throw out all my dishes and silverware (except cocktail forks - OF COURSE!!) because I have a tableware processing disorder that only allows me to eat off 80's era videodisks of "Dr. Who." Of course my doctors won't care or support me because of THEIR TOTAL FAT HATRED! FUCKHEAPFARTCUNTMOUNTAINEXTRAVOWELBRITISHSPELLING doctor doesn't understand that despite my facelessness, gravity insensitivity, table wear disorder, and having my ass on the front of my body that I am ELEVENTYMILLION healthy at my weight. Zie thinks that just because I switched from sweating on the outside to the inside that everything is because I'm FAT! Fattityfartvulvachins4-13! (I'm reclaiming "Fattityfartvulvachins4-13" to deny the haters)

      Zie doctor hateythinpants asked me how I knew that none of my health problems, like growing a fourth liver, were related to my fat. I replied "Occam's Big Paisley Tie (tm) Byotch!" Then I went home and cried because I "replied" which might have dissapeared zie.

      Now I'm going back to deleting things from my Netflix queue that I reviewed without watching. After that I'm going to name a children's playground "Eat my beautiful, glorious fucking fat rolls and DIE" and build play structures out of recycled Judd Aptow DVD's that were crushed and then fed to Tom Hardy and shit out into play structures.

      glubs

      ANA

      Delete
    9. Shakestownie ANA,

      [CN: Poussible racism] Your doctour sounds like an enourmous doughche canoue. Did thou infourm hir of youour disourders?

      NOTE: It's totes ok for me to talk like that because I'm married to a racist person, and I have lots of racist friends, so anyone who wants to come in here and try to tell me that I am not allowed to be racist in my own space is a STUPIDFUCKINGCUNTFORBRAINS.

      [For those who have screen blocking processing disourders and can't see me through your fucking compouter devices, I am giving thou my queerest look, aka three fingers, aka the cocktail fork.]

      Delete
    10. Judith,

      It's only racism if it's directed at the Scottish.

      ANA

      Delete
  6. [CN: My Ass Hurts]

    I wish I had the spoons you do! I would hit "Like" for you a bieberillion times! Please don't ban me! I both care and don't care, honest!

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    1. friday jones, this is a spoon free space. I don't know how I can make this any more obvious to you.

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    2. Without spoons, all I have left is the hambone. I feel SO ERASED. That is pretty forked up.....

      Delete
  7. I know because I do neither!

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