Saturday, March 15, 2014

winter outside. AGAIN.

[CN: Meteorology]

SCREAM KICK THE WALL NOOOOOOOOOOOO. It. is. fucking. snowing. IN WINTER. Elevenzilliony.

This is what I have to look at from inside my temperature-controlled HOUSE. Who fucking snows in winter? Like seriously, WTF?!!??!!? Follow your own fucking calendar, Smother Nature.

I don't know how I can seriously be expected to continue sitting at my desk typing indecipherable screeds and taking pictures of myself when it is FUCKING winter outside. AGAIN.

All I have been hearing since NOVEMBER is what a long, horrible cuntwinter this has been. Yeah, ok, fuck your unexamined privilege, doucheflakes. It's fine and great to jizz about the weather and make up insensitive nicknames like "cuntwinter," but until you have lived inside my house, you really have no. fucking. clue. We need to keep in mind that there are people for whom the winter is a real actual obstacle to their creative processes. People who work outside the home, live on the streets, shovel their own sidewalks, or actually have to touch and experience the snow do not understand what it is like for those of us who have to stare out the fucking window and look at it. STOP BEING SNOW, tyrannical special snowflakes. BE. WATER.

OF COURSE, this all happens on the one sacred weekend in which I am to be celebrated as the living reincarnation of Saint Patrick. WTF.

And as if THAT weren't enough I now have icicle penis daggers hanging down from our porch roof.


Reread that again. Icicle. Penis. Daggers. You might as well just pour acid on my face LOL.

So anyway, this is where I have been the past few weeks. If you wrote to me and I didn't write back it's because I've been sitting patiently at my window, taking notes, and policing the weather for tyranny and misogyny. I'll let you know if anything changes. It's a tiresome job, but I guess I'll just add fucking meteorologist to my resume now too. Is there anything I CAN'T do??!? LOL.


  1. "Icicle penis daggers" is now my new favorite phrase that I will use to signify that I am 78.3% in, Judith. Whenever I conspicuously use the phrase "icicle penis daggers," all may knowingly KNOW that I am really, honestly, mindfully saying, "Judith Shakestown is the creator of the original phrase, 'icicle penis daggers.'" With my cocktail fork purposefully and completely and carefully aloft, I will destroy all the icicle penis daggers of which I have the spoons and cocktail forks to so do, in honor of being 78.3% in.

    Blah blarg vomit blurg p-tooey, icicle penis daggers!

    1. Jim the Yam, I don't know if my perception is correct, but it seems to me that your self-stated percentage of being unquestioningly in has slipped. I could have sworn that at some point in the recent past, you stated it as somewhere above 90%. Maybe you'd like to reflect on that for a while. The phrase is "completely, unquestioningly in," after all. I think Jud' is probably too reticent to say something herself, but my way of being CUI is policing the other commenters to make sure they don't wound her with their words.

      Respectfully, but with anger tantamount to the burning glare of 1,000 Miley Cyrus teeth (a KiloCyrus),


    2. yahoo_yak, you may not know that one of my many self-diagnosed triggery disorders is a condition whereby I cannot be completely in at all times.

      This condition baffles all fat-shaming cishet white male physicians, who exist ONLY to fat-shame upper-middle-class queer-brained housewives. I am disappointed that you have insufficiently checked your privilege, and thus signed on with these LOLSHART tools of the blurgkyarchy.

  2. [cn: hugs] [cn: violence] [cn:winter]

    ((((((((Dith))))))) I wish I could kickety kick the winter away for you. Please take another two and a half weeks off to get over this terrible ordeal.

  3. Even WINTER keeps dehumanizing you by demanding that you do a bieberillion extra things, like turning up the thermostat, pulling the covers all the way up to your neck, and wiping your feet. As of now, this Winter has lost it's posting privileges.

  4. I am weeping with happiness at your return and trembling with fear that I did not email you in your absence to confirm your absence was indeed fuckwinter based or instead a direct result of this inconsiderate shitbucket of a commentariat not anticipating your future not yet existent needs vis a vis the above mentioned icicle penis daggers.


  6. "doucheflakes" LOLOL

    I would tell you what a real fuckwinter is like but I won't stoop to playing Climate Olympics. Plus, I am practising patience.

    - Auntie Alias