job description

As a reminder, here is a list of the many jobs I perform here.

1. Empathic listener
2. Unlicensed clinical therapist
3. Metaphorical sledgehammer
4. Inventor of important and necessary concepts (such as metaphysical blackmail and quartz palace reflector syndrome and ockham's plaid underpants)
5. Jew
6. President
7. Frontline solidier
8. Acupuncturist
9. Feminist gangster
10. Making fetch happen
11. Reader of anonymous screen caps
12. Self-published author
13. Personal assistant to Judy Shakestown
14. For several years, I've been in complete charge of pretty much everything in my life. There's certain things that you just can't have control of, sir.
15. Professional lister
16. Garbageperson
17. Meteorologist
18. Cunstronaut
19. Robomod
20. Blogger
21. Informal correspondent to the white house
22. Zookeeper
23. Meta-content generator

Completely Unquestioningly In Means COMPLETELY UNQUESTIONINGLY IN

Written by Apple Bean, Jesus Rhino, Amy Cabbagepatch, Cheeky, Clone1, Clone2, and Those Other Guys

It has been a full week now since our fair mistress of fuck forest posted that she has been feeling overwhelmed.

We--the humble servants and members of Shakestown's inner circle, who exist and write to you but by the grace and generosity of our kind and self-sacrificing commander--wish to draw your attention to what we recognize to be an increasingly, enormously, remarkably, extraordinarily, alltheadverbsly disturbing trend that has been going on in Shakesnation, a trend that is harmful both to our own Shakessociety and to its most crucial, indispensable center, to such an extreme extent that it can only be expressed through unnecessarily long sentences with multiple clauses.

This community exists and is sustained solely through the milk it thanklessly sucks from Judy's tireless feminist teat; she has changed your diapers, soothed your rashes, spent your child support checks, and set her cocktail fork down long enough to burp you when needed. In return you have VOMITED on her.

Vomited on her.

The trend that we have dutifully observed is as follows:

Step 1: Judy sets the rules and tone of the blog. She sets her own hours. She takes responsibility for keeping herself safe and sets healthy emotional boundaries like any good adult so that she does not take positive appreciation, well-meaning suggestions, or good-hearted interest from the community as attacks on herself or demands of her that she need pay any mind. If commenters do make demands of her then she responds calmly with the recognition that no one can make any demands of her but herself, and maybe perhaps people with whom she has intimate relationships, and of course people with loaded guns, and so she does not view these demands as threatening. She sets clear boundaries, states her perspective, and holds people accountable for their words/actions without emotionally abusing them. She differentiates between her own issues and what other people are doing/thinking/feeling.

Step 2: Judy does not do any of the above.

Step 3: The community wonders why they are being given the silent treatment, why they are being blamed for inability to mind-read or being held to unreasonable standards such as already knowing that mom wanted her whiskey with one ice cube not two or that one should respond to a comment buried in a super long comment thread on a random post back when people used to post there and/or knowing that one should (/should not) email Judy with appreciation, concern, and offers to bake her cakes which are all obviously signs of unreasonable demands/not caring/caring too much.

Step 4: Judy gets over her huff and returns.

This is unacceptable. The bravery with which Judy continues to return and endure your serious ineptitude at commenting on a blog and your awful inability to discern how to properly belong to an imaginary community is laudable and unfathomable.

Although we have been clear that this is Judy's space, it is crucial, necessary, essential, and imperative that each and every one of us take responsibility for ensuring the emotional health and safety of the community and our commander herself. You can accomplish this by doing the following:

1) Think about the keys you are pressing. Don't just asldkjfalksdjflsdj like you have been.

2) Words have definitions. Learn them. Use them wisely.

3) Anticipate our blog commander's emotional needs. Act accordingly.

4) When you mess up, apologize because you should have known better.

5) Don't apologize, just do better.

6) Let Judy know you care and appreciate her.

7) Do not let Judy know you care and appreciate her; it's overwhelming.

8) Ockham's plaid underpants.

9) Pledge to be completely, unquestioningly in. Be completely, unquestioningly in.

Completely, unquestioningly in (CUI),

All of us

hey your gay brain narcissism

Everyone in the multigalaxy has sent me this TRASHCAN MONOTOILETCLOGUE with a list of twenty-one fuckbillion ways to tell you are reading a quality blog or something or other.

TL;DR YAWNSHART LOL

BUT without reading it I will say this.

1. There is not a reasonable point made in this entire fucktreatise of recycle bin accusations against quality bloggers.
2. The author of this "article" has been a chronic practitioner of bad faith against me and a few other brave individuals who have had the unmitigated tenacity to assert our own humanity in the face of dehumanizing lists like this one.
3. FUCK YOU for reading too slowly / too quickly. I hope you cut your fingers on your keyboard and die.
4. You are either completely, unquestionably in or you are a racist, humanity-hating troll.
5. I have a host of REAL MEDICAL ISSUES that give me insight into everything ever, but I also have a LOT of FAKE ONES which only I can truly understand. Until you too have experienced the made up conditions of which I have the worst possible known cases, then you are not an authority on my life or your own. ALSO, don't ever come in here and talk to me about RACISM like you understand it until you have married a MARTIAN and taken hir last name as your own.
6. I just read your story about overcoming suicide attempts. OMG GLUB SHART. Thanks for not dying though.
7. GLUB is MY way of reacting to and processing MY feelings. Your criticism of the potential impact of using short, made up words to respond to people who share difficult stories is nonexistencing to my very soul and makes me it really fucking hard for me to keep getting up to go to the computer and tell you what you're doing wrong all day.
8. The suggestion that I never apologize when I'm wrong is absolute dolphin shit. It's not my fault that I'm never the one who is fucking wrong.
9. I swear to god I will cancel this whole blog if you don't shower me in praise and beg for forgiveness for expecting more from me. I expect more.
10. I don't need you to shower me in praise and beg for forgiveness. I really just need you to stop fucking up in the first place and realize that your words have consequences.
    
11. This is not an invitation to discuss what the author of the linked "article" actually said. If I wanted to know what some douchebox narcissist thinks about lists and quality blogging I would just consult my own fucking experience.
12. Here is a secret about me that you didn't know. I have a shitting disorder that makes it impossible for me to shit. I am revealing this intimate detail about myself because I am so open. I also shit in toilets. SELFIE for the feminist cause.
13. Again, many thanks to everyone who sent me the above article, including shakestownie g, heyyourgaybrain, jesus_rhino, and everyone else in the multigalaxy. I always do such a good job of crediting people. This is something that I do very well whereas other feminist bloggers tend to appropriate work without giving credit, unlike ME. This is why I have so much extra work keeping track of your names and who you all are and whether or not you visited my site from a HATE LINK, and so essentially I am ultimately responsible for everything that happens here which is why it is so hard for me to feel valued in my own fucking space.
14. "Narcissistic people feel entitled to exploit other people's work. It's on the web. It's easy. It's theirs for the taking. In fact, if they read it more than once, they believe it IS theirs for the taking. So ask yourself how much time has this author invested in his/her blog? How much of their site has been reproduced? Don't dismiss the value of websites collating articles, though. Many readers don't have enough time to browse the Internet for useful articles. What is completely ludicrous however are websites comprised of other people's articles yet plastered with copyright warnings. How can someone who has copied 99.9% of the articles on their blog, threaten legal action should anyone copy her copied blog that was copied from other people's websites.... Look for original content. Reblogging is more and more common so a mix of both is normal. However, if someone regularly posts other people's work, be careful you don't transfer the authority of the article to the person who did NOT write it. Think exploitation." LOLWORD.
15. I invented narcissism, all the totes unplagiarized stats on the costs of cooling stairwells, and ALLTHEWORDSEVER. LOL OCKHAM'S UNDERWEAR WITCHCRAFT INTENTIONS DOUCHEYACHT HEY YOUR GAY BRAIN. Use them but never forget that they are MINE and to give me all the JIZZ IN YOUR SHOEZ FOREVER or else.
16. OMG inside jokes and fake words are so OTHERING and NONEXISTENCING. Cocktail forks ahoy!
17. A RACIST TROLL who has been commenting here for years just emailed to say "OMG don't even talk to me about hypersensitivity" and went on to talk about hir experiences with feeling hypersensitive all the time. FUCK YOU, SILENCING EMAILER. This is not a space for you to come and tell me what I can and can't talk about. It's hard enough not feeling silenced when you have your own fucking blog and a group of mindless followers. I don't need to feel silenced in my own fucking inbox.
18. Honestly, I rarely delete or edit anything I write because it's all so fucking awesome. But l will delete anything you write that makes it seem as though I don't already know all the facts.
19. I have constantly and of my own accord devoted my ENTIRE LIFE AND BODY AND SOUL TO this blog FOR YOUR BENEFIT. And I do it ALL without ASKING ANYTHING IN RETURN. REMEMBER THIS WHEN IT'S TIME TO DONATE.
20. The fact that so many people hate me is really just evidence that I AM DOING ALL THE THINGS RIGHT.
21. OMG it is exhausting having to write about myself all the time.