Friday, February 7, 2014

Completely Unquestioningly In Means COMPLETELY UNQUESTIONINGLY IN

Written by Apple Bean, Jesus Rhino, Amy Cabbagepatch, Cheeky, Clone1, Clone2, and Those Other Guys

It has been a full week now since our fair mistress of fuck forest posted that she has been feeling overwhelmed.

We--the humble servants and members of Shakestown's inner circle, who exist and write to you but by the grace and generosity of our kind and self-sacrificing commander--wish to draw your attention to what we recognize to be an increasingly, enormously, remarkably, extraordinarily, alltheadverbsly disturbing trend that has been going on in Shakesnation, a trend that is harmful both to our own Shakessociety and to its most crucial, indispensable center, to such an extreme extent that it can only be expressed through unnecessarily long sentences with multiple clauses.

This community exists and is sustained solely through the milk it thanklessly sucks from Judy's tireless feminist teat; she has changed your diapers, soothed your rashes, spent your child support checks, and set her cocktail fork down long enough to burp you when needed. In return you have VOMITED on her.

Vomited on her.

The trend that we have dutifully observed is as follows:

Step 1: Judy sets the rules and tone of the blog. She sets her own hours. She takes responsibility for keeping herself safe and sets healthy emotional boundaries like any good adult so that she does not take positive appreciation, well-meaning suggestions, or good-hearted interest from the community as attacks on herself or demands of her that she need pay any mind. If commenters do make demands of her then she responds calmly with the recognition that no one can make any demands of her but herself, and maybe perhaps people with whom she has intimate relationships, and of course people with loaded guns, and so she does not view these demands as threatening. She sets clear boundaries, states her perspective, and holds people accountable for their words/actions without emotionally abusing them. She differentiates between her own issues and what other people are doing/thinking/feeling.

Step 2: Judy does not do any of the above.

Step 3: The community wonders why they are being given the silent treatment, why they are being blamed for inability to mind-read or being held to unreasonable standards such as already knowing that mom wanted her whiskey with one ice cube not two or that one should respond to a comment buried in a super long comment thread on a random post back when people used to post there and/or knowing that one should (/should not) email Judy with appreciation, concern, and offers to bake her cakes which are all obviously signs of unreasonable demands/not caring/caring too much.

Step 4: Judy gets over her huff and returns.

This is unacceptable. The bravery with which Judy continues to return and endure your serious ineptitude at commenting on a blog and your awful inability to discern how to properly belong to an imaginary community is laudable and unfathomable.

Although we have been clear that this is Judy's space, it is crucial, necessary, essential, and imperative that each and every one of us take responsibility for ensuring the emotional health and safety of the community and our commander herself. You can accomplish this by doing the following:

1) Think about the keys you are pressing. Don't just asldkjfalksdjflsdj like you have been.

2) Words have definitions. Learn them. Use them wisely.

3) Anticipate our blog commander's emotional needs. Act accordingly.

4) When you mess up, apologize because you should have known better.

5) Don't apologize, just do better.

6) Let Judy know you care and appreciate her.

7) Do not let Judy know you care and appreciate her; it's overwhelming.

8) Ockham's plaid underpants.

9) Pledge to be completely, unquestioningly in. Be completely, unquestioningly in.

Completely, unquestioningly in (CUI),

All of us


  1. I've been preemptively berating myself all week for anything I might have done to hurt Judy, and I've been sticking myself with cocktail forks the whole time. Thank you, thank you, Shakestowners, for finally telling me what it was I did wrong.

    Judy, I am sorry. I promise to do better to make this a safe space for you, but only as much as you are comfortable with---no more and no less. I apologize in advance if I don't calibrate the right level. I am fully CUI, as before.

    Either making a trivial joke to lighten your mood or making a very serious face to show how much I care, whichever you prefer at the moment,
    I remain,
    Ever yours,

  2. Damn these sexist/misogynist memes and socio-cultural entrainments which are anti-thetical to the purpose and intent of a Feminist blog. A thousand cocktail forks in the ass to every misogynist, fat-hating, racist, transphobic heapshit who entrains these antitheticals.

    Judy, your requests are perfectly cromulent. I am CUI. *solidarity fist bump*

    - Auntie Alias

  3. Is this a blog or a freakin' cult?

    1. You got that right.


    2. Can't it be BOTH?!?

    3. Well, I was counting on it.

    4. Well played, my friend. Well played.

  4. HolofernesHadItComingFebruary 7, 2014 at 2:44 PM

    [CN: big gulp]

    I was going to email/tweet/mind-ray you to check on you, then I worried maybe you wouldn't want that and I didn't want to be intrusive, but then I felt like hell this would all be so much easier if I could just read your mind like you clearly and legitimately expect, which is lolnutcakes, but then I hypothesized that perhaps if I filled up a big gulp cup with 5 hour energy drink and chugged the whole thing MAYBE I COULD READ MINDS. CUI as soon as I make a run to the quickie mart...

    1. HHIC, I can't eat nutcakes due to my shitting disorder.

    2. HolofernesHadItComingFebruary 7, 2014 at 5:00 PM

      Holy shitting disorders, that is seriously one of the internet-winningest jokes ever made. I laughed until I cried.

      /breaking character

    3. I have an even rarer shitting disorder: I am incapable of shitting due to what I have to assume is the worst self-diagnosed case of Hypocopria I've never encountered. Every year I'm more full of shit than the last. Another reason to distrust the BMI, as if the fact that its name starts with "BM" wasn't enough....

    4. HolofernesHadItComingFebruary 12, 2014 at 6:05 AM

      lol your shitting disorder

    5. [Content note: the letters 'b' and 'm']

      FJ, I'm glad you mentioned this. I was self-diagnosed with HYPERhypocopria fifty-seven years ago (before I was even born!) You are absolutely right about the BMI, this is why I cringe everytime I see any word with the letters b or m.

    6. The year Nineteen and Fitty-Seven was indeed a harsh Winter for the Self-Diagnosed. Although I myself was not born yet at the time, I clearly remember how Ike Eisenhower warned us about the Diagnostic-Industrial Complex, Flintstones Chewable Thalidomide was available over the counter without a prescription, and the Third Rail of Politics was harmless due to the system being diesel-powered.

      Into this land of chaos, a child was born. That child: Me. FINALLY, WE GET TO THE GOOD PART!

  5. [cn: questions; adverbs; questions about adverbs]
    Judith, I just noticed that "unquestionably" has now changed to "unquestioningly." Which do you prefer? Or have we always been at war with Oceania? If we have always been at war with Oceania, please disappear this comment and don't send me to Room 101, because I promise that I am CUI, whatever the U stands for. Or doesn't.


  6. Dearest y_y, you should do both and neither always and never depending on my mind.

    1. I do so pledge, Judith. Forks aloft, ever higher!

  7. Your third sentence is a run on sentence. So is step 3. Run on sentences are hard to read for those of us afflicted with short attention spans.

    I dare you to ban me.

    1. There you go, piling more work on Judith. Maybe she doesn't feel like banning you! I demand that you go All In, Balls Deep.

    2. HolofernesHadItComingFebruary 11, 2014 at 4:01 AM

      This demand is LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE for the ball-free.

      If you really want to be constructive and helpful, go back in time and rearrange the language in your sentence until it would be accurate coming out of the mouth of any human being whosoever, especially those without mouths, and until such time as its phrasing is sufficiently awkward that no human being, status of mouths and/or balls notwithstanding, can actually suss out any coherent meaning from it.

      Above all else, be certain there is no humor in it. Humor was originally Aristotle's garbage idea and Judd Apatow is a direct descendant of Aristotle. By no coincidence at all, neither of them are Scottish, and more importantly, neither of them are married to someone who is Scottish, therefore, nothing funny is actually funny, as you would surely already know, were you fortunate enough to be married to a Scot.

  8. I am surprised (or possibly not surprised, whichever we are supposed to be this week) by the outpouring of inpouring following this masterful, unique, fantastical, wondrous, and all-around sassy expression of safe havenness to Judy. All too often, we commenters remember that we have lives and jobs and families and problems and opinions, and do not sufficiently venerate Judy, who unquestionably has it a biebillion times worse than anyone, ever. LOLFARTBURP.

    I am also surprised (or not surprised) by my own un-in-ness, which is something I shall remedy (or not remedy) right now, by talking about imaginary alcoholic (or not alcoholic) beverages that I would like to drink (or not drink) or pretend to offer (or not offer) to other commenters.

    Continuing to kickety-kick my skatey feet, I am 78.2% IN.

  9. All my appreciation, or not. Wev you want my holy leader.Long weekends are the best...